The Truth is...

...I've been a little frustrated. Yes, despite my patient and laid-back nature, I have been frustrated. "Why?" you ask. Well, even though I've been to the gym 3-4 days a week since my last post, recently increasing this to about 5 days a week, I have seen negligible changes on the scale. I actually was up for a couple weeks, and am now breaking even again. Even though I've been working hard, it's embarrassing to come on here and say that I've gained or that I'm not getting anywhere. It's easier to not post and let people think that I've just been too busy to post or update my weight-loss tracker. But, even if I don't have anything to post on the weight-loss front, I can show you my sticker chart for February. I worked out 14 of the 28 days and I feel pretty darn good about it.


I know the primary reason for my lack of weight-loss. Strength training. Yep, that darned muscle is doing me in on the scale, especially if I weigh in the day after a weight-lifting routine. Apparently when your muscles are recovering and rebuilding from strength training, they retain water....that's freaking awesome! So, new rule, no strength training the day before official weigh-ins.

I know that the muscle building will pay off. I learned recently that for every pound of muscle you build, you burn another 30-50 calories per day (Coopersmith, G. B., 2006. Fit + Female: The perfect fitness and nutrition game plan for your unique body type). Therefore, the muscle I'm building is going to have to start paying off on the scale eventually. I also know, as mentioned in a previous post, that muscle is more dense than fat, so even if I am losing fat and gaining muscle, I may not see a change on the scale, and could see (and HAVE seen) an increase on the scale if I am replacing fat with a similar volume of muscle. Knowing this is helpful, but it is still discouraging to work so hard and not see the numbers changing. My clothes aren't really fitting much differently at this point, but I am starting to see the differences, and I can definitely feel the difference. I know that if I continue doing what I'm doing, that my body will change, and eventually the scale will catch up. So, I'm trying to stay motivated.

It helps that my bestie/roommate, Neila has stepped in as a sort of personal trainer. She's already taught me a lot of about eating healthy. But recently she has been challenging me to workout smarter AND harder. For a while, I was just going to the gym, doing my cardio (either a class or 30-40 minutes on the elliptical) and going home. However, I wasn't being strategic with my time on the elliptical. I wasn't varying my resistance at all, just hopping on at Level 1, doing my time and leaving. And I wasn't doing any strength training (and if you don't know, muscle burns fat, so building muscle is essential). While this was better than nothing and was still getting my heart rate up, it's not as effective as varying my resistance. The first time I let Neila prescribe my workout, she kicked my butt. We started with an arm/chest routine that left me sore for nearly a week, and then she had me hop on the elliptical. "Put it on Fat-burning" she said...all of the sudden, the elliptical wasn't so easy anymore.

I must also tell you about my first encounter with the stairmaster. This ain't your mama's stairmaster.


No, imagine an escalator with slightly higher steps. Now imagine climbing that escalator while it varies speeds. If you can't keep up, down you go! So, when Neila said stairmaster, I got a bit of an attitude. Mostly because it looked scary and kind of boring. Scary yes...boring, not so much, I was too busy trying to catch my breath and dripping sweat to be bored. She could have been easy on me, let me start at a level 1, but where is the fun in that? No, she said "Level 5, fatburning, 15 minutes." I'm like, who walks up the stair for 15 minutes at a time? My initial teenage attitude soon turned into a fit of rage. Five minutes in, and I'm huffing and puffing and holding onto the rails for dear life. Neila says, "You know, you're a lot prettier when you smile." To this I answer a phrase containing a four letter word that I shall not repeat here. She says, "You don't like being pushed, do you?" I say, "No, not really. You should really stop talking. It's just pissing me off." Ouch, not my most shining moment...it's a good thing she loves me and know not to take this personally. I DID finish the 15 minutes, I did NOT die, or even puke for that matter. Then she had me on the treadmill for 20 minutes. She is definitely not an easy trainer...watch out Jillian Michaels!

My very rageful reaction to the stairmaster made me ask myself, "Why so hostile?" I realized my frustration was toward myself. I thought I had been doing so well. I could easily spend 40 minutes on the elliptical, I was getting in better shape...and here I am ready to quit after 5 minutes on the stairmaster. It is humbling to realize you are not in as good of shape as you had thought. It is also humbling to realize how little you have been challenging yourself. I had an epiphany: when things don't come easy to me, instead of trying harder, I tend to avoid them. Singing and academics came easy to me. However, sports and anything physical, other than dancing, did not. So, I shied away from them.

I have since faced my mortal enemy, the stairmaster, of my own accord a number of times. The first time, I was at the gym alone. I decided that the stairmaster would not rule me. I could face it without rage or expletives spewing out my mouth. And I did. I only did 10 minutes, as I had just done a legs strength routine and the muscle fatigue was too much. But, the point was that I got back on, and I did it without oozing hatred toward myself, the machine, and my best friend. Since this experience, I have been challenging myself, and allowing Neila to challenge me. I still sometimes get a whiny teenage attitude, but I know that I CAN do it, and that Neila is pushing me for my own good.

It's amazing how refining it is when you are put under pressure. It brings all of the nasty stuff to the surface when you are forced to face it. I'm thankful for a friend who isn't afraid to push me and who puts up with (and calls me out on) my attitude. Here is to being challenged and refined, emotionally, physically and spiritually.

The REAL me. Can you handle this?

So, dating sites are hilarious and frustrating. A bunch of people, hoping to attract other people with a handful of photos, some stats, and brief "about me" description. It is torturous, but there is the hope that you will run across another poor soul like yourself. Someone normal, somewhat attractive, who is just trying to find their soulmate.

On these sites I tend to get a lot of compliments. "Ur sexy, coffee?" (that is a direct quote, by the way), "Nice pics", "You're beautiful!". This is all very flattering. However, beyond the fact that these people probably didn't take time to actually read my profile (seriously? what's the point of that?), I have to laugh to myself when I think of what I REALLY look like. Take away the makeup, the flat iron, the cute hair styles, the stylish clothes, and the results are somewhat disturbing.

These guys think this is what they're getting:

When this is what they're really getting (brace yourself...are you ready? I don't think you are...oh well, too late to turn back now!)

And this (by the way, this is a good hair day. You think I'm kidding, ask my roommate):

Shocked? Probably not too much, at least if you're a woman. Us women know the amount of work and deception that goes into trying to look attractive. If I have to shower, style my hair and put on makeup, it can easily take me two hours to get ready. Excessive, possibly. However, I try to cut down on the getting ready time by showering at night and letting my hair dry naturally. My hair, oh my hair...My hair which is neither naturally straight or naturally curly, and could really only be described as naturally frizzy.

I also hear often what great skin I have. I am not complaining about my skin, as it is in pretty good shape for pushing 30. However, like most, I have dark circles, I'm as pale as Edward Cullen, I have age spots, discolorations, and even some fine lines (yikes!). On a basic makeup day, I am probably still wearing upward of 11 cosmetic products on my face. Really, I'm not exaggerating. And that is not including my moisturizer and eye cream.

It's incredible the things we do to look and feel attractive. There's nothing wrong with it, as long as we remember that our beauty is not defined by our makeup, our hair or our clothes. As a makeup artist, I adore helping people feel beautiful and glamorous. However, I know that beauty is defined by our character, the way we treat others, and us being ourselves. Remember to be gracious to one another, including celebrities, whom we forget are real people too. The next time you point out what a train wreck someone is in their tabloid pictures, remember the face that looks back at you in the mirror in the morning and cut those poor people some slack! It can't be easy living in the spotlight, and sometimes you just want to run to the store in your sweats and hat.

Approaches to Valentine's Day

I'm feeling a little sentimental this afternoon. And, NO, I'm not premenstrual, lol. I recently purchased one of my favorite love songs on iTunes, and it puts me in a hopeful mood for the day I truly fall in love. With Valentine's Day less than a week away, I realize I will spend yet another V-day without a significant other. I can only remember one year where I was actually in a relationship on this oh-so-wonderful holiday, I was in jr. high. Seriously.

Over the years I've taken a few different approaches to V-day. Approach #1: Boycott. Yes, I have gone the way of the bitter in the past, vowing to wear black in protest of a commercial holiday that tortures single people with the fact that they are all alone on the holiday of love. This generally backfired, and ended up with me gorging myself of on Valentine candy in front of sappy movies. Approach #2: Ladies Night Out. This isn't a bad approach. However, it often ends up as a "bitch fest" about how stupid guys are and wondering how it is they've been blind to such incredible and lovely women. Approach #3: The Co-ed Singles Party. Um, awkward, nuff said. Approach #4: Date night with a bestie. This isn't a bad option. I enjoy getting dressed up and going to a nice dinner with my best friend, though one must be prepared to be looked at like they are celebrating the day of love with their lesbian partner. Approach #5: Celebrating friends and family. This has been the most rewarding and productive of the V-day approaches. In the past I have made or purchased cards, candy, gifts, etc. for the most important people in my life. This way I am still getting the joy of giving and feeling love, and getting to participate in the holiday instead of feeling like an outsider. I am thinking I will go with #5 again this year and remind those that are important to me how much I love them.

As for reaching my goals, you can see that my tracker says I've lost 5 lbs. It's actually 5.2 lbs ;). Last week I was down 3.9 lbs and, as of today, I am down another 1.3 lbs. I haven't been as consistent in my exercise, but I am still going to the gym and doing my best to make wise food choices. I feel like I am well on my way to my goal. Obviously, I'm doing alright with blogging somewhat regularly. I could do better with my music goals, so I am going to make a pointed effort to get on my piano more. Now that it is set up in my room, I think I will be more inclined to play. I did get to do makeup for a photoshoot this weekend, for pictures, click here. I think they turned out lovely.

On the job front, I did interview and do a working interview for a nanny/mother's helper/household administrator position with a family in Federal Way last week. I am feeling hopeful about the position. I feel I have a lot to offer the family and that partnering with them to nurture and educate their children would be extremely fulfilling. I know God will open the door if that is where he wants me.

Happy early Valentine's Day, friends. May you take a moment to honor those who make your life brighter. As my gift to you, here is one of my favorite songs, in one of the most touching romantic movie scenes ever made, "The Book of Love" by Peter Gabriel in the movie "Shall we Dance"...grab a kleenex...this one gets me everytime. If you haven't seen this movie, I highly recommend it.



The book of love is long and boring
No one can lift the damn thing
It's full of charts and facts and figures and instructions for dancing
But I, I love it when you read to me
And you, You can read me anything
The book of love has music in it
In fact that's where music comes from
Some of it is just transcendental
Some of it is just really dumb
But I, I love it when you sing to me
And you, You can sing me anything
The book of love is long and boring
And written very long ago
It's full of flowers and heart-shaped boxes
And things we're all too young to know
But I, I love it when you give me things
And you, You ought to give me wedding rings
And I, I love it when you give me things
And you, You ought to give me wedding rings
And I, I love it when you give me things
And you,You ought to give me wedding rings
You ought to give me wedding rings

Onward and upward

Well, I was scared to get on the scale this morning. Though I had worked out 5 times since my weigh in last week, I ate horribly (something to the tune of steak sliders, fries, pizza, cake, candy...ugh) this weekend, which also happened to be when I did NOT work out. Way to go me. And I admit, I stepped on the scale yesterday to see what the damage was...and I was up 2.5 lbs...oops.

However, I had a great workout yesterday, doing 20 minutes on the elliptical and an hour of yoga, and I ate balanced and low calorie. As I left the gym yesterday, I decided that whatever the scale said in the morning, that I was proud of what I had accomplished. I was successful 5 of 7 days in my diet and my exercise. As I walked out to my car, I felt strong. My muscles felt engaged, and I could tell that my body was feeling different. Each class I have been discovering that I am capable of more that I thought and that I can hold positions or press extentions longer and farther than in previous classes.

With that said, I am still up 0.7 lbs from last Wednesday. However, I know that I am building muscle as well, so I am okay with this. The scale will catch up eventually. The most important thing is that I feel my body and my mind changing. I watch the stickers accruing on my calendar (See below, orange=workout, green=blog, blue=music, brown=weigh-in). I am sticking to my goal to work out, to blog, to engage with my music. Some may think my goals are lofty, or think that I will quit. But to them I say, your lack of confidence in me is only more reason for me to stick to and reach my goals.


On another topic, I am a single woman again. It isn't appropriate for me to go into detail here. However, it was a good change for me at this time. I am hopeful for the next step in my romantic life, whatever it may be. I am going to relish my singlehood, and the fact that my time is completely my own, just as I will relish having someone to share more of my time with when it happens.

So, onward and upward toward my goals and making this an even more fulfilling year than the last.

Getting real about weight-loss

I've added another level of accountability to my blog. To the right you will see a weight-loss tracker. I will update it weekly. A big thanks to Britton Dennis for this idea! I totally copied you. Just a reminder my goal is to lose 40 pounds by my 30th birthday, which is May 22nd. To be EXTREMELY accountable, my starting weight (per today's weigh-in) is 229.9 lbs. My current goal weight is 190 lbs.

You may be surprised, as many people are when I disclose my actual weight. They don't think I look that heavy. To which I say thank you, lol. I attribute this surprise to a number of factors. First, I know how to dress to flatter my figure. Second, I tend to gain weight all over, so I am pretty well proportioned in spite of my weight. Third, I REALLY am big-boned, lol. Seriously, I have a large frame. Finally, I do carry a lot of muscle, which as we always hear muscle weighs more than fat (really what we mean, is muscle has a higher density than fat, and therefore weighs more by volume).

At my heaviest, I weighed 254.4lbs. It was at that point that I decided something had to be done. My weight had slowly been creeping up since high school, and faced with my 10 year reunion, I didn't want to walk in 50-60 heavier than I had been in high school. So, I took off about 25 lbs at that time (in 2009). Over then next year I lost a bit more weight. At my lowest I was 222. But after losing my job and then heading into a very sad and dark winter, the pounds started creeping back on. I got back up to about 248. All of that hard work down the drain. So late last summer (2010), I started watching my diet more, and managed to get back down into the 230's. After the holidays, I maxed out again around 235. So, my starting weight for these tracking purposes is after having lost close to 5 pounds this month already.

I don't want to continue playing the yo-yo game. So, I am hoping my gym membership and my online accountability will help keep me from backsliding. I have no excuse not to work out, and now I have put my goals and progress out for all to see. I am much too young to be unhealthy and not fully confident in my appearance. I am vibrant and beautiful, and I want full embrace and walk in that. My goal of 190 may seem a bit high, but I've never been conventionally thin. Even at my most active as a jr. high cheerleader, I was a size 14 (I am currently a size 18). So, I think to shoot much lower than that may be unrealistic for my body. At 190, I will re-evaluate, and perhaps I'll choose to shoot lower. But, for now, I think 190 is a realistic and attainable goal. I haven't been under 200 pounds since high school, which was over 10 years ago. I can't imagine how it will feel to see the scale with a "1", but this is the year to find out!

No way...two days in a row?

Yep, that's right! I'm posting another entry. I'm on a roll. I wanted to show that I'm serious about tracking and meeting my goals. I even bought this incredibly awesome P!nk wall calendar and some stickers to track my blogging, working out, playing keyboard/singing, and makeup artistry gigs or networking. Plus, it was a really good excuse to get the calendar I've been wanting for over a month now. Somehow, I even managed to match the colors of the stickers with color theme of the calendar, how cool is that? I felt silly going to the teacher store just for stickers, but I figured they'd have a big selection of "incentive" stickers. I didn't know that's what they were called until the gentleman behind the counter directed me to the seasonal stickers, regular stickers, and incentive stickers.

I was proud of myself for getting out of the house today. I was actually supposed to do makeup for a ghost portrait photo/video shoot today. Unfortunately, the model was ill and the photographer exhausted, so the shoot was cancelled. Since I was up, I decided to go ahead and get ready and go pick up my calendar and run some errands. While at the mall, I treated myself to some teriyaki and frozen yogurt. I finished off the evening at the gym for a bellydancing class. That means I've worked out 5 times in the 7 days since I joined the gym. Not bad, not bad at all.

If you haven't set any goals or resolutions for the year, I highly recommend it. When you set the right kind of goals it is much easier to be motivated to achieve them. Also, accountability is key. There is a reason star charts work so well for kids. They get to SEE their progress and so does everyone else. They know when they are close to meeting their goals and it is motivation to push a little harder to reach them. Remember to make your goals SMART: Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant, and Time-bound. To say that you are going to work out more this year is admirable, but it is not SMART. How are often are you going to work out? How much is more than last year? However, if you make a goal to work out 3 days a week for the next 6 months, that goal is specific. You can measure if you are sticking to it. For most people, it is attainable. It is relevant to your larger goal or vision to get in shape and be healthier. Finally, it is bound to a certain time frame.

So, go ahead and make some SMART goals. Then, if you're cool like me, you'll pick up a calendar that you love (or an actually star chart, you can get them at the "Teacher store") and some stickers and start charting your progress.

P.S. Most 2011 calendars are on sale 50-75% off at the mall kiosks and bookstores, and they still have a pretty big selection.

Seriously? It's been a year?

Wow, I can't believe it's literally been a year since I've posted on this blog, WOW. I didn't do so well with that whole blogging more thing last year...oops. BUT, I can say that I made it a better year! While 2009 was a LAME year in the life of Jessica, 2010 was a year of fresh starts and new ventures. I went to school and earned not one, but two, business certifications, I started pursuing professional makeup artistry (check out my page here), I went platinum (hellooo, see the new pic!), I started getting out on the dating scene and am currently in a relationship, I got off of antidepressant (2009 was so lame that it warranted medication). Overall, I decided to take initiative instead of letting my circumstances dictate my life. Thus, it was a much more meaningful year.

I have high hopes for 2011. I am hoping to finally land a job, do more to actively pursue PAID makeup artistry work, and fuel my creative passions, namely music. I was greatly inspired by my friend Natalie's pursuit of renewing her relationship with her cello last year. See her final cello vlog below (and YES, I am also trying to win one of her fabulous bracelets).



She made a list of resolution in 2010, and I was impressed with her dedication to her goals, as well as her seeking out accountability for said goals. So, I'm going to attempt the same (fingers crossed)

1. Blog at least once a month (yes this entry counts for January)
2. Play my piano/keyboard at least once a week
3. Go to the gym at least 3 days a week
4. Reach my goal weight, which means losing about 40 more pounds
5. Attend networking events/meetings to promote my makeup artistry
6. Get a job

Hmmm...I think that is a good start. So, look for updates on how I'm doing on these goals as well as for how life is going in general. Here's to another great year!